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The Part of Me I Wanted to Forget

Deep and Personal with the Author of THNAT

Yes, I too had the earth shaken from under my feet this year. One month, a six-figure salary, moving to Seattle with my longest-ever relationship, and about to jet-set my way around Germany. The next month, single, jobless, homeless, flights cancelled due to the pandemic, and making the long physical and mental migration back to my Wisconsin childhood home. Quite a shock to the system that took a good three months to initially comprehend. It can be both a heaven and a hell when one is left with only time – creating ample mental and emotional space to assess achievements, gratitude, direction, and just plain overall life.

It was during one of these moments of contemplation when I came across a story/poem I wrote at the age of 12-13. In reading it, I instantly was inundated with a mirage of PTSD flashbacks and all the intense feelings of my youth, which I had spent the last 20 years overcompensating for with incredible determination and success. What got me though, was the feeling of acceptance and sympathy I had craved and wrote about as a child, was the same exact feelings I craved throughout all of 2020. Who is there for anybody? Who simply listens with an open heart, withholding judgement? Who can give (time, courtesy, respect) without expectations? I realized the part of me I wanted to forget – the interactions with hatred, ignorance, subhuman degradation – had never left at all.

Me choosing to avoid or ignore these things does not help our community be better. Knowledge and understanding come from sharing. Maybe this sharing of my story can be of benefit to someone. At least, I hope to add one element of inspiration especially to all the youth, each one of which deserves to share their own story as well.

This blog is intended to serve as a means of sharing life stories, information, resources, and the inspiration to initiate positive changes wherever we go.


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